An Independent Backfire

By: Wendy Duckworth Vance  

Independence is a concept that has a high value in America. We have entertainment icons, John Wayne, for example, that are said to embody this rugged independence that promotes the idea that we can exist as an island unto ourselves. We push this idea not only on a national scale but down to the microlevel of the individual. This happens to the point that we often shame or belittle those that need any type of help whether from the government or otherwise.   We do this through all types of media platforms and in personal interactions. The message that is conveyed is that we must be independent or we are weak. If one is not independent, one will be unsuccessful.  For example, as a child, I was told that not only must I be better than my peers with disabilities, but I must be better at whatever I do than people without disabilities or I would not succeed or find work. This definition of independence in this way can result in  individuals who have challenges being made to feel that they are a “burden.”

I have had many encounters in which people have doubted my ability to be independent and meet societal expectations. I have recently realized how much I have internalized those messages and how much this has impacted my choices, my interactions with people, how I view myself, and how much I loathe myself when I need help. While I can freely and happily help others who have a need, and I don’t look at them as any less, I seem completely unable to extend that grace to myself.   

Until recently, I was oblivious to this aspect of myself. I have always thought of my level of independence as something to be praised because I have proven all those people wrong by making it own my own.  However, I now realize that I have spent a good portion of my life pushing people away who wanted to help.

What I did not grasp was that I had internalized the message that I should be ashamed of having a disability because it  necessitates asking others for help from time to time. I had ingested the ableist message that my value is found in how independent I am.

I had accepted the message that asking for help is a weakness to the point that I stopped attending my congregation for a while. At one service my pastor had asked me if I needed something  when I stood up during service for pain relief. He was genuinely concerned and wanted to help. My weakness was exposed. I needed something, and someone had seen it. I felt so small, like I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear because I had shown weakness.    But perhaps more than that, my pride had been injured. As noted above, I have been very proud of my independence.

And even as I was tucking my tail and running away, I felt justified.  I told myself I could not go back until I could figure out how to attend on my terms without needing help. I even had people reach out and  suggest that I come back after the church made some-accommodations for me. I said no because that would mean someone doing something for me. I felt ashamed that I would cause the church to incur an expense for me. For me, it was my problem, not anyone else’s, and as such I needed to be the one to fix the problem. Besides, I reasoned, it would be out of pity anyway and not genuine caring for me or my needs. Despite knowing these individuals very well, and knowing that they did care, I could not get past this intense feeling of unworthiness, that I did not deserve the help.  I felt that I was being a drain on the congregation because of my disability. 

But this is because that is being independent, right? Do it all yourself, be strong, never let them see you hurt or have a need. Wrong, in the loudest voice possible. Not only is this not true independence, it is not biblical. Yeshua said,  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28 -30, NIV). Yeshua invited his children to come to Him and to cast our burdens upon Him. I have done this, but this too has been a struggle because I have gone back to the altar so many times to take back my burden.  In my head, God had much bigger problems than my petty issues.  I needed to take them back so I wouldn’t be a bother. Even in my relationship with the Father, I found that the poison of ableism had impacted my feeling of being worthy of receiving help, even from the One who created me, who saved me from the ravages of sin. Even with Him, I have carried this notion that I must be independent, that I must pull myself up by my bootstraps to have value.    

Recently, some changes happened in my congregation that I felt were a threat to my independence and my ability to get to/from services without asking for help. I wrote a super long email to my pastor addressing the issue. And yes, the changes do indeed impact access due to the sad state of the public transportation in my community, but that does not mean that services cannot be accessed. When I re-read my e-mail after receiving his response, I realized that I was being unkind and selfish because I was not seeing the need for the change that would be good for the whole. I could only see that this was going to force me to be interdependent rather than independent. I would have to ask for help if I wanted to attend. Again, I could not escape the idea that I was going to be a burden imposing my needs on others. And how silly, because in wanting things to stay the same I would still be imposing a burden on the congregation because I was seeking for the needs of the one to be met over the needs of the many. When I read my own words and realized that I was letting my sense of pride rule my reaction. All along, it wasn’t my need for help that was a weakness or personal flaw, it was in fact, my relentless pursuit of a brand of independence that pushes away everyone that would help that was at issue.  I realized that I have been actively rejecting the attempts of others to follow the tenant that we believers are to be the hands and feet of Yeshua.    

I remember being told that one should exercise caution in asking God to increase patience because  God might do so by giving you opportunities to be patient. However, this warning could be universally applied to many personal flaws or behaviors that we ask God to reveal and help us remove or improve. I have been begging God to show me my flaws and to make me more like Him.   

He caused changes that allowed me to see my selfishness, pride, and negative self-talk that has placed me in a prison of my burdens. He has allowed me to look at independence in a different light for myself. It is something that I intellectually understand and teach others – interdependence.   

The concept is that we can ask others for help without shame because we are all dependent on one another, rather than independent islands that happen to collide on occasion. So today, I would encourage you to go to God and ask Him to show you where you need to change or grow. Be prepared for an answer. And lastly, being independent is important, especially for people with disabilities, but not independence that excludes help from God and from other people or that makes you feel like you have less value because you have a need. And if you believe that receiving help is a weakness or a personal flaw, I implore you to seek God to help you change this attitude and stop this poison that causes people to suffer in silence under the delusion that their need for help is a weakness that needs to be eliminated.