A Modest Choice: Modesty in an Immodest World Part 2

By: Wendy Duckworth Vance

Trigger warning: Brief discussion of suicide

I have written and rewritten this follow-up article four or five times. None of them seemed to be quite right. Not that any of them were without scriptural backing or were out to pasture somewhere; they simply did not convey the heart of this matter. 

Frankly, they tended to drift toward a more legalistic view of the topic.  And while we should absolutely follow and do as Scripture instructs, our obedience cannot be merely following a rule or command just because it is a rule or command. Doing so is often related less to our desire to be obedient and pleasing to God but instead to appear righteous in front of others. Legalism is a topic that Yeshua talked about frequently as he spoke with the Sadducees and Pharisees of His time. Yeshua describes in Matthew 5, beginning in verses 17 - 28, the deeper heart of obedience. In these verses, He discusses that just because a person does not violate the commandments of God in a way that others can see, they can be broken in the heart. He explicitly discusses adultery and murder. He says that if one lusts after a woman, he has committed adultery in his heart, or if one hates his brother, he has murdered in his heart. To be clear, however, it is not a new concept that He is discussing; such was also addressed in the Old Testament. Any righteousness we may have outwardly is nothing; in Isaiah chapter 64:6 the prophet tells us that our righteous acts - outward actions that the world can see are as “filthy rags.”   Scripture is clear: surface obedience - adhering to God’s word only so others can see our righteousness is worthless; it is the deep and abiding love for God and our response to the leading of the Holy Spirit that should be the root of all that we do. You see, in choosing to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit regardless of what the world thinks, we say to God, “I love you above all else .” That heart was missing from the previous drafts and did not reflect my convictions related to this issue.

To be honest, I have not always dressed modestly or practiced veiling. I was not raised in a religious tradition where we did these things. Of course, we always dressed in our best to attend services; as girls and women, we wore knee-length skirts and dresses – so we were modest while in service. Outside of service, however, I liked to wear short shorts, short skirts, form-fitting shirts, and tight jeans, especially when I was young and super skinny.   I felt cute, and honestly, I think I was trying to take the focus from my disability and put it on my body. As a teen, there was a part of me that thought that if I could show off the “good” parts of the package, that people – boys as well as the bullies - would forget about the “bad” or “broken” parts of me.   But try as I might, I could never change their focus; I was just the “blind chick.” Of course, I could not see that then. I could not see that no matter what I did or how I dressed, the prejudice was just there. I could not see that the rejection was not a product of what was “wrong” with me but rather an ingrained hatred of that which is different from the norm. Nor could I see or understand that their opinion simply did not matter, that it was the opinion of God and His value of me that was paramount. No, I sat and cried while considering a variety of ways to end it all, even sitting in my mom’s kitchen with a knife to my wrist. However, it seemed that every time I was about to make the slice, the phone would ring, or someone would come in to interrupt my untimely departure. To my young mind, I just couldn’t catch a break. Older me understands that God was protecting me from myself. I had things to do and places to be – it was not my time.

As an adult, I continued to chase people’s approval, whether at work, home, or with friends. I compromised my principles to fit in swearing, drinking from time to time, and engaging in premarital sex; I just so wanted someone to love me. I knew God loved me and that I loved him, but for so much of my life, I just could not fathom that His love and approval were all I needed.  And even knowing I was loved I struggled with feeling or perhaps even accepting that He loves me because I carried so much guilt and unworthiness.  So, I tried harder, not just with people but with God; I tried following the rules for the sake of following the rules thing, trying to be this holy roller. But that, too, was empty. Inside all that trying were these moments (some of them months to years long) where I would encounter His presence and feel His love surround me like a warm blanket of pure joy. But then something would happen, life would get busy, my old self would rise up and remind me that neither God nor anyone else could love me – I felt like a dirty, rule-breaking,  mistake of an extra-marital affair, a disabled mutant that no one wanted – a burden that is a drain on everyone I encounter. This back and forth has been the rhythm of my life until about five years ago.

While in the middle of this struggle with my true identity in Christ, I was injured in a car accident and left in chronic pain that limited my mobility. I could no longer do everything I could before, and I spent a lot of time alone as I began to work from home at least half a day, every day, months before COVID would send us all home. In that quiet time, I had plenty of time to “talk” with God through prayer. I began to go back to practices I had when He was really present in my life, like setting aside time to read His Word and to pray earnestly. As I began to open my heart and surrender my life to Him, something amazing happened. In His Word, I began to see my worth through the eyes of Yeshua (Jesus). 

He loved me enough to suffer,  die, and rise again for me. And in internalizing that, I began to deeply desire to live for Him, not just the surface, look at me kind of living, but a genuine, sold-out to God life. I found myself not craving the things I did before and wanting to let go of things that had imprisoned me inside my bitterness and self-loathing. I started by forgiving the person who took my innocence at the age of 5,  forgiving those who had bullied me in school, and forgiving myself for so many things, the greatest of which was not understanding my value to the Father, the Creator who crafted me perfectly in His image. And as I let go, God pulled me from the pit; He cleaned me up. I no longer wanted those old habits that opposed God’s will, regardless of whether it would make others approve of me. I just wanted to serve God with all of myself – to live differently out of sheer love and gratitude.

To that end, I felt called to begin veiling again. I had done so for about a year and a half before but had drifted away because I wanted to be accepted by the world at work. And when I began covering again, it felt like wrapping myself in His presence. Not that His presence was ever absent or that He did not hear my prayers, but it was as if a separation fell away when I truly submitted to the calling to cover and acknowledge God’s hierarchy of God, husband, and wife. Not only did I seem to have a deeper, transformed relationship with God, but with my husband as well. It was far easier not to argue and allow him to be the leader he was called to be. I was at greater peace with my children; I just didn’t feel the need to argue or win – I just desired peace. Then, after veiling for a while, I felt called to dress more modestly. I had already transitioned from wearing teeny-bopper clothes to mom clothes, but I felt called to give up pants, so I did. And do you know what? I felt more beautiful in my dresses and skirts than I had ever felt before. But I was not beautiful because people of the world say so (in fact, I have been bullied and called all kinds of hateful names), but rather, I was beautiful because I was clothed in God’s armor. That is what it feels like each day that I put on modest clothing. I feel I am getting dressed in armor to battle for the Father in this world held captive by the evil one. When I look in the mirror, I do not see a repressed or oppressed woman; I see a princess who is free, loved, and protected by the Sovereign of the Universe, and I could not be more full of joy in my choice to follow the voice of the Father that called me to make this modest choice.